What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:35
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can you summarize season 1 of "The Acolyte"?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i do to all so called friends.?
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Heart in distress? 9 silent symptoms you shouldn’t overlook - Times of India
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was very sick at this time too.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I don,t even have a pension.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was 9 years of age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I waited trembling.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She married twice! .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.